My husband and I used to disagree over how to discipline the kids. We wanted the same outcome, but our approaches to achieving that result differed. It’s quite normal for parents to have different discipline styles, and to disagree on what the rules should be. Normally one parent is stricter than the other. Sometimes mom is the Bulldog, and Dad is the Yorkiepoo, but other times it’s just the opposite. The problem is these differences confuse the children, and the result is often nonconformity.

When the children are disobeying or bucking the rules, the stricter parent normally jumps in to establish some boundaries and bring about order. Because the stricter parent is used to the other parent being more lenient, he or she will become even sterner to compensate for what he or she sees as a parenting flaw in the other parent. This is how the arguments get started. The easygoing and softer parent will complain that his or her spouse is being too hard on the children, and she will lighten up to counterbalance the dynamic. And the two go round and round about whose style is “right”. All the while, the kids are looking on and thinking “Do these parents know what they’re doing? Who do I listen to? Because I’m confused, I guess I’ll just listen to nobody.”

Or the children will learn to play one parent against the other. If Dad says no, then the child goes to Mom. If Mom thinks Dad is being unreasonable, she begins to negotiate with Dad on behalf of her child. Unbeknownst to Mom, this is exactly what her child wanted to happen, and Dad loses all credibility. It can happen the other way around too. Mom does her best to establish some rules in the house. Dad doesn’t really know what’s going on around the house. So when Mom goes out, anything and everything goes. The children are left to their own, and the house rules are completely different when Dad is in charge. As long as you don’t bother Dad, there are no house rules.

So who’s right? The Bulldog or the Yorkiepoo? The answer is both or none. Now, that’s a confusing answer, isn’t it? The truth is kids need boundaries and rules. They need to know when mom and dad mean business, and breaking the rules spells “consequences”. They also need their parents to be loving, but firm. Children need parents that understand their limits as kids, and parents that show not only empathy, but emotional control. So, in essence, the Yorkiepoo needs to keep her loving and softer approach, but set consistent boundaries and follow through. The Bulldog needs to keep his firmness and structure with rules, but learn to lighten up and handle the children with more love and concern. When both parents can become German Shepherds, and take the best of who they were as parents, the kids have their best chance at learning and respecting the rules.

You see, typically I am the Yorkiepoo in our family and my husband is the Bulldog. But not anymore since we’ve completely changed the way we discipline the kids. Today we form a united front using the same tools and strategies I teach in my new Patience of a Saint 7-week tele-workshop. I hope you can join us this October 25th when I kick off this program.