The subject of boundaries has been all around me lately. It was a topic of discussion at church last week. More recently, I’ve been preparing a presentation on boundaries for a half day retreat I’m doing in Chicago for the Power of Moms. What is interesting, though, is that both of these talks are for adults. Is it because we can only teach adults how to have healthy boundaries?

Actually, I think the teaching is done better when we are children, but a lot of parents weren’t taught boundaries themselves so it’s actually hard to pass these lessons on. Regardless of how good your role models were for teaching healthy boundaries to you, one of the greatest ways to get better at setting better boundaries in your own life is to teach healthy boundaries to your children.

In our church discussion last week, Dr. Doug McKinley, author of Mad About Us, gave an excellent description of four types of boundaries:

Soupy Boundaries are like having no boundaries at all. My son Ian has a real challenge with spacial boundaries. He will get in your personal space and have no idea that he is too close to you. We continually have to cue him with a simple “Boundaries Ian”.

Spongy Boundaries are vague and ambivalent boundaries. An example of spongy boundaries would be if your child is complaining of a friend making fun of him. Your child says he tells him to stop all the time, but yet he continues to play with him.

Stiff Boundaries are rigid and unreasonable boundaries. An example of a stiff boundary might be if your child won’t let you hug her because she just brushed her hair, and she doesn’t want to mess her hair up.

Soft and Secure Boundaries are flexible and based on circumstances. These kind of boundaries are healthy and depend on the situation. They are reasonable and are designed to protect when needed. An example might be when your daughter tells her friend she can’t come over if her parents aren’t home.

When your children are first learning how to set boundaries, it can be challenging for them to know how and what to protect. Always guide them to use soft and secure boundaries, and use the guide below for kid boundaries designed to protect the following areas:

• Protect Your Body – Understand who can and cannot touch your body; understand that it takes good sleep, good food, and good exercise to have a healthy body.

• Protect Your Space and Belongings – You decide when someone is too close to your space; you give permission for someone to use your belongings, and you ask permission to use someone else’s belongings. Respect other people’s space.

• Protect Your Energy – Pay attention to your energy. Relax or sleep when you are tired, rather than try to burn the candle at both ends. Use big and fast energy outside. Use small and slow energy inside.

• Protect Your Self Esteem – Love yourself. Hang with friends that are kind to you. Mistakes are okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Focus on what you’re good at, and work on what you’re not.

• Protect Your Time – Use your time wisely. Don’t procrastinate. Watch the time so you can be on time. Use your alarm and use a timer to monitor time. Make sure your time is balanced between school, friends, family, extracurricular activities and whatever else you like. Be careful not to monopolize people’s time, or let others do the same to you.

• Protect Your Money – Keep your money in a safe place. Always give a portion of your money to a worthy cause. Always save a portion of your money for emergencies and big tickets items. Loan your money only to people who will pay you back.

• Protect Your Relationships – Love God; He is your Rock and your Protector. Love your family; stick with them to the end. Be kind and encouraging to your friends. Be respectful to all human beings. Pray for your enemies, or those kids that are mean to you, but stay away from them.

Talk with your kids about the subject of boundaries, and use the word boundaries from the time they are very young. Let them know that it is okay to say no. When the teenage years come around, you will be thankful they are skilled. And by the time they are young adults, they will be pros at setting healthy boundaries in their lives.

What boundaries are you working on with your children right now?  Leave a comment and let us know.